Your First Loose Tooth

You're so excited about your first loose tooth. My goodness you're growing up so FAST!

Here's what I said about it on my other blog.

Almost Five

You turn five tomorrow on the 15th. God, I can't believe how time flies.
...And such a good big sister! I can't believe how kind hearted that you are. I know I get flustered with you and your brother while I'm in school and we're struggling to pay bills, but I love you and I always will no matter what you ever do.
You worry about Aiden even when you need your "alone time" in your room without him. I can understand, I had two sisters and two brothers.
You're sensitive, but that isn't a bad thing. Don't you ever let anybody tell you otherwise. Speak up even if it's with a shakey voice!
I hope you contenue to love school and keep up with your home work.
The wisdom you harder boggles the mind. There is a quote we talked about in my college class this week and I can't remember who it was by. It goes: Parenting is not about the adult producing the child, but the child producing the adult. That is so true. Without you and your brother there is no telling where I would be or what I would be doing. I do know that I was on a destructive path. I asked God for help and He sent me you! He sent me you and then your brother and without your brother I wouldn't have decided to go to college.
I just wanted you to know how much I love and care for you and your brother.
Though we may be poor in money, we are wealthy in love!

Time Flies Too Fast

It seems like just yesterday that you were a tiny new born. Now look at you! You'll be five in September and are going to start school this fall too. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle that. When I had you and Aiden in day care for a few weeks, I cried the first day. I had to call several times to make sure you were okay. Of course you were, but I guess it's a Mommy thing. As I was leaving you were screaming for me to stay. It broke my heart, but I had to go to work. That's why I'm in school now because not only was day care too expensive and too heart breaking, but I didn't want somebody I didn't know taking care of my babies. I'm not talking bad about people who have to use the day cares. No, I just was too broken hearted (and broke) to keep you in it. You're my angel, my princess, my stinky, my sweet, good girl. I love you.

I hope you like school. Mommy never did. I went to a private Christian school and the teachers were pretty hard on me. I was shy and scared of adults growing up and school only aggrivated the situation. You're not though. You're strong and you're so excited about school. I hope you stay that way. Know this, I will be there for you whenever you need me. I will be active in your school. I know it hurt me that my parents weren't active in mine. It really hurt bad. I promise also to have you to school on time and pick you up on time. Sure there will be times when it's impossible, but they will be slim to none. I will not make you suffer from my laziness like I was made to by my mother.

Your Granny...
What can I say about her? I feel I owe you an explination for why we don't see them anymore. It's complicated and I don't think you'll understand until you're older.
Granny and Pa didn't love eachother like your Daddy and I do. They made each other miserable and there for their children (me and your aunt Derika and all of us) suffered. Granny was depressed, yes, but it's not an excuse to allow what we went through to happen.
As we got older it didn't get any better with Granny and Pa until finally they got a divorce. Really, this should've happened a long time ago. It was better for them. My Dad, Pa, especially. Memaw loves Pa will all of her heart and they make each other happy.
Don't ever stay with someone who doesn't make you happy! Please, you will be hurting more than just yourself. And sometimes the damage takes a life time to correct.
After Pa and Granny divorced, Granny sunk into another depression and lost her job. Things started to look a little better when she got a new one and made some new friends. But people can't make you happy, baby girl, only you can make you happy.

What does this have to do with why we don't see her? Well, I had to give you some back ground without being to detail specific. I don't want you to hate Granny and when you're older if you wish to see her you can. I just need you to understand why I can't be around that anymore.

Parent's aren't supposed to have favorites. It's true, but it's hard sometimes when there are so many personalities envolved. Granny had aunt Maria and uncle Mark with her first husband. That makes them my half-brother and half-sister. Granny has a lot of guilt built up towards how she raised them. That's why she treats them how she does, well.
It broke my heart to see you and your brother treated differently from the rest of her grandkids, Mark and Maria's kids. I couldn't put you through that. They don't like your Daddy, but let me explain why. He made mention the fact that everybody should just get along and they turned on him like vipers. I love your Father and he loves me. What he said was good advice, but it fell on bitter ears.

Granny still blames Pa for things, but before you can blame someone else you have to look inside yourself. She never did that and is only beginning to now. Unfortunately, it's a little late.

The way aunt Maria and Granny treat people is wrong. I know they seem alright, but the more you are around them the more you see what I'm talking about. They can suck you into it and I don't want that for you. I know you love your cousins, especially Anna and Sarah, but I just can't be around them. I miss your cousins and maybe one day we'll be able to see them again. Like I said, I won't keep you from them. When you are old enough, if you want to talk to them, see them, whatever...you can.

Everyone makes mistake, baby girl, and I guess that's what I'm getting at. Granny made mistakes, maria made mistakes, so did mark, doug, and Derika. The thing about mistakes that you need to learn is that you're supposed to learn from your mistakes. Admit that you made one and move on. You have to admit your mistakes so you can stop making them. I've made quite a few mistakes in my life. I'll admit them though I'm not proud of most. And I have moved on. They haven't. I can't stay in the past where they remind and pry and talk about the mistakes behind my back. Where they never really forgave me or themselves for the mistakes made. It's hard not to think about the bad things in life that happen, but I have you, Aiden, and your Dad. I have Papa and Memaw, Derika and James, Grams and Pops, Jeff and Megan, and others who make this a nice place to be.

And one of the biggest reason, baby girl, is that you can't let people take advantage of you, not even family. I don't think I shall mention the specifics because you're too young to understand yet. Just know that my first responsiblity and priority is you, your brother, and your father. You three come first. Always. If someone doesn't like that, be it family, school, or job then they can shove it were the sun don't shine. LOL, you know what I mean?

I love you baby girl. Always, always, always know that. Know also that I don't know how to be a mom and I'm making up most of this as I go along. I want you to have a tight and loving family. I will make sure you do. No matter what happens, you'll have a close family. God forbid, but if your father and I should ever part ways...we will all still be a close family. ALWAYS. I swear if that should happen, I will not speak bad of your father nor speak rude to his new woman nor put you in the middle. We would keep the family close, because whether step or half or adopted...family is family and should love eachother as such.

Know this...I love you.

Some times doing the right thing means you have to hurt somebody's feelings.

It doesn't matter what people say, so let them say it!

Call Me Stupid
Written with my new "friend" in mind... camusartre...

Call me stupid
for speaking my mind
for having a voice and sound
for not backing down

Call me stupid
for ignoring the signs
for screaming out loud
for refusing to drown

Call me stupid
for not wanting to fail
for not wanting to blend
for walking towards fear

Call me stupid
for striving to prevail
for seeing amends
for welcoming tears

Call me stupid
for seeing freedom in layers
for feeling relief
for knowing im right

Call me stupid
for kneeling in prayer
for smashing belief
for transparent sight

Call me stupid
for any reason you wish
for any insecurity you claim
for any discomfort i bring

Call me stupid
for any thought that exists
for any emotions i maim
for forbidden songs that i sing

Call me stupid
for so many things
for no reason at all

Call me stupid
for my words are what rings
in your mind afterall

The End of the Year Holidays

Well, my sweet baby girl, I know that sometimes our extended family on your Granny's side can make holidays not as much fun. It saddens me to see the predjudices of their stares and actions towards you and your brother. It will not always be that way. Your cousins love you both and I suspect you already know that. Things will change one day. Just remember that.

It thrills me to no end to see the lights twinkle in your eyes when I mention Santa. You are actually excited to get so sit on his lap and tell him that you want Barbies for Christmas this year. I will do everything in my power to make Christmas magical. I also promise that when you and your brother grow up, get married, and have your own kids that your father and I will make it magical for them as well.
My hope for you is that you always get at least one or two things that you really want each Christmas. I did not always get such. My parents were in a world of their own and didn't know our wishes at all. When we did tell them they promptly forgot. I do not say this to make them look bad or to instill bad idiologies of them in your psychee but, just to say that Pa and Granny were not happy together and it was all consuming of their thoughts and time. I will not let this happen with the two of you. And I hope that by doing so you will do the same with your kids. Christmas is, after all, a time for hopes and dreams to come true.
I love you, sweet baby, I love you so much. You and your brother have changed my life.

Halloween

Ah, my beautiful baby girl!
Halloween is always so much fun with my princes.
I hope it will always be special to you as well.
I like to watch you pick up the fall leaves and twirl them in your hands.
I love the way you paint your pumpkin and make it into a "Happy Pumpkin."
I love the way you make, "Oooh-ooooh" ghost noises and try to scare people.
You are beautiful and make Halloween very much fun.
I cannot wait until you are old enough to have a Halloween slumber party...I promise to make it special for you!
Promise...Halloween will always be special for our little family.